The Speak Up: To Each Their Own 🙌

Pre-S: Philadelphia area friends! Please join me THIS Friday, January 19th at 8:30 am at the Center for Architecture and Design in Center City for Creative Mornings PHL. I am speaking on the theme RISE. This event is free and you can register here.

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Friends,

A few months ago Variety magazine hosted a dinner in honor of their list of the ‘40 Most Powerful Women on Reality TV in 2023”. Amidst the nonstop chatter between honorees and their guests, Variety put together three panels on three different themes related to the media, these women, and the weird and wild world of being yourself on television.

All three panels were recorded and shared on YouTube. I am diving into one of them today and will most likely share my thoughts on the others as they all of this underlying theme of “Who am I in the public eye? Who gets to control that narrative? And what is my power in all of this?”

Whether you have been on reality TV or have shared yourself with the public in some other way, these are questions that are bound to come up as you continue to put yourself out there in a visible way.

The panel that I am zooming in on featured Tamra Judge (Real Housewives of Orange County), Rachel Lindsay (The Bachelorette), Cheryl Burke (Dancing with the Stars pro dancer), and Whitney Port (The Hills and The City). All of these women host or co-host podcasts and have continued to share their stories on RSS feeds and in other media outlets.

While I knew all of these women have had different career paths and backgrounds, I assumed that their shared experience of being on some form of Reality TV would align their points of view on owning a narrative, and what is in and out of boundaries to share.

I was mistaken.

And while I agreed with one person more than the others, everyone had a valid argument.

Everyone came to that panel with a point of view and a whole lot of Main Character Energy.

Main Character Energy?

Yes.

Why do people in the public eye say this all the time? What does this mean?

As with the word storytelling, I think the phrase “Main Character Energy” can mean something different to each person who expresses it.

Here’s what it means to me and in the context of the work that I do with clients who need to craft a new narrative:

OWNERSHIP.

When you build trust in yourself, and accept that your stories matter, you are taking ownership of your life experiences, your unique points of view, and areas of expertise.

This brings about Main Character Energy, which is not the same as being a hero on a journey.

Instead, it’s permission to take up space, control your own narrative, and share what you want to share in your own communication style.

While I knew this intellectually, it wasn’t until watching the recording of this panel conversation that I saw Main Character Energy play out in four completely different ways.

Each of the women up there had their own communication style (✅).

They took up space equally but uniquely (✅).

They were absolutely controlling their own narrative at that event, even if some of them were fine with surrendering their stories in other arenas (✅).

They all had unique points of view and areas of expertise (✅).

At one point during the panel, Whitney Port shares the philosophy that she had when she returned to reality television a few years ago on The Hills: New Beginnings. Each day before filming she gave herself this pep talk: “Be you, have fun, worry about what you say a little, don’t get too drunk.”

After Whitney shares this pep talk with the audience, the panelists, and the moderator, Tamra Judge comes in brusk and bold and says, “I tell myself to do the opposite.”

Without missing a beat, Whitney replies, “To each their own.”

Everyone who was talking loudly while the panel was happening quiets down together and then erupts with cheers and laughter.

Many minutes before that moment, Whitney began her portion of the panel by referring to all of the other dinner attendees as “brave and outspoken” reality stars. Saying that she wasn’t one of them.

In my opinion, Whitney saying “to each their own” made her the most brave and outspoken one of them all.

She backed up my hypothesis turned belief: Main Character Energy is not one type of way.

And the more each person can find their own metrics of ownership (of self, of story, of perspective) the more we can all be open, visible, and trusting that our vulnerability will be held and heard.

While I connected the most with Whitney in terms of how she showed up to and spoke up at that panel, I have to celebrate Tamra, Rachel, and Cheryl for committing to themselves on that stage and for their willingness to create a dialogue about a topic that is often one-note and surface level.

The moderator from Variety (my apologies for not knowing her name) said so succinctly what I often spend paragraphs and paragraphs writing about in my newsletter:

“Everyone can feel a different way about sharing their lives.”

One thing all four women had in common was their love of podcasting as a platform to be themselves (in their own way) and be heard on their terms.

Whitney said, “With my podcast, yes we are able to edit, but I feel like I am able to be myself without having anybody else’s hands on it… We’re all in charge of our own identities for our whole lives and then you get on reality TV and someone else is completely in charge of your identity. And it feels really nice for me to have the power back.”

Rachel Lindsay expressed that podcasting was freeing for her. “Putting on headphones and turning up the microphone and having a conversation… and so you just let yourself go and you can’t care what other people think. Your audience will be your audience.”

And with the topic of an audience, there continued to be grey areas in terms of each person’s relationship with them.

At one point during the panel, Rachel said that she didn’t have any boundaries in terms of what she shared and “that there was no such thing as a bad headline” and later on said, “I am kind of private when it comes to my reality.”

Life in the public eye in some way — whether it’s content you share on social media, a book that you publish, questions you answer on a press tour, or a podcast that you record — does not mean that you have to share all or nothing.

Ownership means that you get to decide what you share, who you share it with, and why.

Whitney said this: “Fans expect us to be open about everything and it’s not fair. I don’t think we have to share every single thing that is going on in our lives. I’m also PMS-ing and I lost my train of thought.”

There is tension between Rachel being a boundary-less headline-loving human and her need to protect the reality of it all.

There is tension in Whitney’s words. I’m not one to share it all but here is what’s going on with me right now this instant in real time.

Main Character Energy is multi-layered. It’s joy and pain. It’s an open book and a closed door. It’s truth. It’s hyperbole.

It’s yours to cultivate and grow.

If you have a chance to watch the 30-minute panel, please do. Let me know your thoughts by replying to this email. If you are a paid subscriber you can share your opinions with the group in the comment section on Substack. We’ll continue the conversation there.

Speak soon,

Hillary